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Why Do We Fight with Our Teenagers?

Your child has become a teenager. You have enjoyed the first thirteen years of raising your child. You worried about them all the time. You changed too many diapers to keep count and you watched in pride as they won the fourth grade spelling bee. You helped them through the struggles in life such as scraped knees and taking their first test at school.

Surely those were the hardest years? Now they are growing up. Now they are a bit more independent, a bit more mature, surely things will get easier? They are big enough to help out with some chores. They can look after themselves for an evening if you want a well earned night off. You can have sensible conversations with them.

Then why is it that things don’t turn out that way when your child goes through their teenage years? What happens? In some societies, a- year old would be thought of as an adult. They could work in the government and even marry. This is not so in Western society. The teen years in the Western part of the world are stricken with with conflict and struggles. Why does this happen?

There are two parts to the answer: biology and culture.

The brain is complex. It is in a great state of growth and development during the teenage years. It is always growing, expanding, evaluating, and making links. These links build the foundation for memory, learning, perception, and social rationale.

During the first twelve years the brain learns a lot – it changes the child from a non-verbal, poorly coordinated baby to a verbal, literate, sociable and pretty competent pre- teen.

Then the teenage years hit the brain like a hurricane. The brain goes into a state of chaos after which it rebuilds itself. While your brain is rebuilding itself your child might not be able to do some of the things they could before. For example, speaking to the opposite sex has suddenly become virtually impossible without becoming quite nervous. Throughout the teen years your child will need to understand the components of social interaction and how they fit into the whole social setting. They will make friends and strive to find their sexual ife partner.

But learning this stuff is difficult. The brain has to operate in these fields while, at the same time, it is re- programming itself to a much greater degree of sophistication that it had in the pre-teen years. And that is what causes such variability in their social functioning: At times they are acutely aware of social nuances. At other times they just don’t seem to get it.

Add in to this a healthy dose of fluctuating sex hormones, plus some classical teenage sleep deprivation, and is it any wonder that more often than not they seem to be “loaded for bear”? Watch out, lest they bite your head off for no apparent reason!

Teens also have to deal with the different expectations placed on them now that they are older. They hear every day from many sources that they “should” be doing certain things and the definitions between normal and abnormal. Expectations for how they should act during each year of their teenage experience is detailed by their parents, friends, teachers, police, and society. It can be hard for a teenager to discern exactly how they should act when they have all these people forcing their opinions on them.

But there is a problem with expectations. Every time you have one, you have the potential for a problem. A behavior is only a behavior; until someone says that it “should not” be happening. Then, suddenly, it is a problem.

The combination of the varying expectations, sex hormones, and plain teenage angst cause your teenager to act like a pleasant dear one minute and a force to be reckoned with the next.

So, how do you manage all of this? Here are some ideas. Next time you are in an argument with your teen – or getting frustrated with his or her behavior, consider the following:

1) Arguing and shouting won’t work

2) Your teen, like you, is simply trying to achieve the very best outcome that he or she can, given her current abilities and perspectives (which are probably different to yours),

3) Remember your teenager is still trying to sort life out and may not understand either why you are fighting.

4) Why is it such a big problem? Whose expectation has not been met? Is this really a significant pothole on the highway of life?

5) Brainstorm different ways of communicating with your teenager besides forcing them to see things your way.

6) Remember, your teenager will outgrow the teenager years eventually. Think about the future and how you will want to remember this time in your lives.

Yes, have rules. Yes have expectations. But, at the same time, Mom, Dad, chill out a bit. Don’t totally alienate them – find some ways of having FUN again.

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