Yes, adoption can be scary. Yes, those who adopt are well aware of those fears. If you know someone who is adopting, be a good friend and don’t remind her of those fears by asking questions that will simply make her stay awake all night with worry.
It’s not uncommon for those who are adopting to be approached by friends or loved ones with all of the adoption nightmare stories you hear on expose television shows. It’s somewhat like how pregnant women are approached by other women with labor pain stories. Unfortunately, not every adoption story ends with a happily ever after wrap up, but they are the minority. Most adoptions are successful blessed events. People who have decided to adopt a child are well educated about the emotional and financial risk factors. They have decided to go forward with an adoption despite the risks.
They may even specify that they would be interested in adopting a child that has special needs, is disabled, or even (gasp!) a teenager. It’s nearly impossible to adopt without receiving some form of counseling, and the more challenging the situation, the more likely the counseling may continue after the adoption. Everyone wants the same thing: the best outcome possible for themselves and the child.
To those outside of the immediate family, it can feel like they are making choices based on their heart and instincts and not on the realities. Regardless of how much you may feel the need to educate them and get them to be realistic your remarks and advice about the adoption situation will likely only increase tension and create conflict in your relationship.
What are some concerns you shouldn’t vocalize? Some examples include:
[1] Are you worried that you won’t be able to bond with the baby?
[2] What if your child looks nothing like you?
[3] I thought adoption was really expensive? I don’t mean to pry but how do you plan to pay for it?
[4] What if the birth father wants some rights? How much do you really know about him?
[5] What if you pay for all of the birth mom’s pregnancy expenses and then she changes her mind and bails on you?
[6] I know when your daughter is a teenager and gets mad at you she will probably want to take off and live with her birth mom. What do you plan to do then?
[7] Aren’t you scared that his real mom will change her mind and fight to get him back?
[8] What if your child has some genetic disease and you could have avoided it if you’d known his medical history?
[9] Do you think you can feel the same kind of love for her as you do your other children?
[10] Older kids have so much more emotional baggage and scars. You should get a baby so you’d be the mom from the first day.
[11] Did you hear that story about that birth mother who kidnapped her child because she wanted to get him back?
[12] Are you anxious that he isn’t really yours until the court date?
While it’s true that adoption is full of unknowns, parenting in general is a learning experience each day. If your friend or family member is adopting, or has just adopted, understand that they don’t necessarily need your input to make sure they are aware of fears that can accompany the adoption journey.
Every family that adopts gets to a point where they must surrender all of their fears and anxieties and focus on the joys that adoption brings. Your support along this journey is more precious than any questions you can ask.
